It would be nice if there were classes that are more geared for parenting as we get closer to the age of parenting. I am sure some of the reasons that these classes do not exist until we are actually parents is for the fact that many of us would go back to our parents and say, ‘you did this wrong, that wrong,’ and ‘I won’t listen to you talk to me like this anymore.’
However, as parents we have to discipline. I know everyone has their own way of doing things, and whether or not you believe a little swat now and then is alright or not, is a personal choice. I believe. I honestly prefer time-outs – see the blog on time outs for more guidance there. However, there will come the time that time-outs or a swat on the bottom is not enough and there has to be an extension of the time out.
One of the first things to remember is that you do not have to make the decision for the consequence right at the time you correct them. As a parent you have a right and a responsibility to think about the consequence and make sure you are calm enough to be giving a consequence. Again this goes to the benefit of time-outs. Also you might need to discuss the consequence with your co-parent. So much damage to credibility and trust occurs when one parent gives a consequence and the other parent talks them out of it or overrides it. Take your time – if your co-parent is not home, simply let the child know. I have to talk this over with – whomever when they get home tonight and we will let you know your consequence then.
The next thing that would be very important is to make the consequence reasonable, fair and related consequences. Basically, make the time fit the crime. A child that scribbles on the wall – cleaning the wall plus another is a fair and related consequence. A child that writes in a book, could do some chores to pay for a new copy of the book – do not increase their allowance if they are getting one, or it would also be fair to make that child write every word on the book that they scribbled on – if it is a picture book, they could copy all the words in the book. Obviously this has to be a child of writing age – younger than that, a time out should be sufficient and educating them on the books they can and cannot color in.
Sometimes it is hard coming up with a consequence that seems fair or related to the behavior or action being addressed. These can be tough, but one of the things to remember is the importance of not giving a consequence that you can’t follow all the way through. Last year I had a brother who was having trouble with one of his children at school and interacting with other kids, he tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and opportunities to be honest. As a consequence, if he found out she was not being honest (in addition to be the behaviors that were a concern), he stated he would take away her Christmas. He told me later that he wished he hadn’t done that – it was harder on him and his wife than it would have been on the child.
I stressed that we cannot make decisions on consequences without considering what we willing to implement. If you do not follow through with a consequence that is stated, there is a credibility that is lost that allows the child to think, ‘I won’t really get in trouble if I do it again.’ I think my recommendation at the time was to allow her to open her presents with the understanding that they were going into storage and she would need to earn them back, item by item. But then I also stressed that they could not be used again as a consequence – once she earned the item, she would get to keep it and they would need to consequence her as they would at different points in the year when they didn’t have gifts to use as motivation.
I explained they would need a clear plan for earning back the items – she had been on a checklist before and they could do it on a plan of earning 75% of her checks could earn her an item back and after 4 weeks of earning 75% they could move it to two items for another month, etc. until she earned all of her gifts back. I am not sure what they decided to do, but it was a hard lesson for them on follow through.
Follow through is key on consequences as well as rewards. Above when I talked about a child whose behaviors are poor in school and poor social skills, I recognize that it is hard to come up with fair consequences. We are past the point of a bite for a bite, as well as we recognize that while we cannot force a child with poor social skills to interact with others, and we also cannot keep him/her out of social situations. That would be more detrimental – how could social skills be learned. So what do you do?
That is when a reward chart or something like that becomes more necessary. Praise the positives you see, little rewards that can be made into big deals. You get to pick tonight’s dinner or dessert, stickers, a sticker chart to show the good days – start out by a reward for every 10 stickers – don’t make them have to be 10 stickers in a row but 10 stickers, make a party of it, even if it’s just in the family. Shower the child with praise for the good days, share disappointment for the bad, use time-outs if you have to, but make this more a focus on the positives and less of a focus on the negatives. Coach them, ‘let’s see if you can do better tomorrow.’ ‘What are some of the bad choices you made today? What could you have done differently? What will you do tomorrow?’ These are the teaching questions we asking in helping a child to recognize what he/she has done wrong and how they can handle the situation differently.
Consequences happen, need to be implemented and ideally will be teaching tools for parents. Remember, think about the consequence before stating what it will be – there is nothing wrong with saying, ‘I’m thinking about taking away you’re Christmas, that is how angry I am with you right now, but I want to think about the consequence before I tell you what it is.’ That still allows the child to know that you are greatly disappointed, but does not set you up to have to implement a consequence that you wish you didn’t have to follow through with. Because remember, follow through is just as important as giving a consequence. On a final note, not all poor choices or behaviors require a consequence, sometimes a time out is enough and sometimes it should be an opportunity to coach your child to make different decisions.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
What Happens When I Get To 'Five?'
…Or three – what ever the number is that you have established when you are expecting a child to follow a direction. It is important that they know what number they are expected to respond by. Initially when setting up a routine like counting to aid them in making a decision to follow a direction or not, it would be nice to start it off by saying something along the lines of, ‘I’m going to count to five and you need to follow my direction by the time I get there.’
By the time I get to five, not after. It’s a very simple practice to start. ‘One…Two…Three…Four…Five.’ If they have responded by the time you reached five, you simply praise the child. ‘Thank you for following my direction.’ There should be a nice pause between the counting, but not too long. Also it is not fair to rush through the counting, ‘onetwothreefourfive.’ What would be the point of counting then. The goal here is to help them to rethink their choices. Helping them to learn that, ‘I have been given a direction and I need to follow that direction within a reasonable amount of time.’
If the child has not followed the direction by the time you reach five, it is important to follow through with the consequence. Sometimes the consequence is just a time out – and sometimes you have already said what it will be and you need to follow through. I will discuss consequences in another entry, but the important thing to remember is to follow through. ‘If you do not start picking up the room by the time I count to five, you are going to take a time out.’ I will also be discussing time outs in another entry. But remember to follow through. Follow through, follow through, follow through.
I can’t say it enough – when you have given a direction and then given them a time limit (like counting), you must also follow through with either praise for following direction or the consequence for not. If you do not, what did they learn from your counting but to also count to five. We all know how cute that is – when the child jumps in and starts counting with you. But laughing at it every time, probably will not be helpful in the long run, unless you are just doing it to teach them to count.
By the time I get to five, not after. It’s a very simple practice to start. ‘One…Two…Three…Four…Five.’ If they have responded by the time you reached five, you simply praise the child. ‘Thank you for following my direction.’ There should be a nice pause between the counting, but not too long. Also it is not fair to rush through the counting, ‘onetwothreefourfive.’ What would be the point of counting then. The goal here is to help them to rethink their choices. Helping them to learn that, ‘I have been given a direction and I need to follow that direction within a reasonable amount of time.’
If the child has not followed the direction by the time you reach five, it is important to follow through with the consequence. Sometimes the consequence is just a time out – and sometimes you have already said what it will be and you need to follow through. I will discuss consequences in another entry, but the important thing to remember is to follow through. ‘If you do not start picking up the room by the time I count to five, you are going to take a time out.’ I will also be discussing time outs in another entry. But remember to follow through. Follow through, follow through, follow through.
I can’t say it enough – when you have given a direction and then given them a time limit (like counting), you must also follow through with either praise for following direction or the consequence for not. If you do not, what did they learn from your counting but to also count to five. We all know how cute that is – when the child jumps in and starts counting with you. But laughing at it every time, probably will not be helpful in the long run, unless you are just doing it to teach them to count.
Monday, August 14, 2006
The Rules for Fair Fighting
I am working with some families right now, who are having a lot of difficulty with how to fight. I had lost these rules until recently - I even needed them for an on-going argument that I was having with a friend and felt that maybe we needed to abide by some of the rules. When I worked in the hospital - this is one of the documents we would use to give to the client's to help with some problem solving techniques.
While I did write the workbook we would use, I did not write these rules - I do now know who did, but they are still a good tool to have and utilize. Over the years, I have tweaked the rules for either poor grammar or even to update them. I hope you find them helpful. Although this list is lengthy, I am sure it does not cover all of the fair fighting rules, but overall I believe it does fairly well.
I was talking with a family member recently who commented that she did not know how to argue with family - she said that she doesn't know how to take the emotion out of it. I told her a bit about these rules, and she was curious to see them. When re-learning how to argue, I try to make some points clear, to learn some of the techniques of arguing:
1. We will argue, and arguing is a good tool to develop better communication.
2. An argument should be approached with the plan to problem solve the situation.
3. Focus on yourself, what you are willing to change, what is bothering you and what your part is going to be in solving or coming up with a compromise in the situation.
4. Stay on focus - discuss only what the argument/disagreement is about - if you have to, write it on a sheet of paper, so that the both of you can stay on task.
I also suggest that if you want to make some improvement in your 'fair fighting skills,' that you look at the list and pick a couple of the rules you violate and then come up with like 3 ways you can work on the rule you have chosen. If you have a home that has a lot of arguing or work in an environment that has a lot of arguing - pick 10 rules that are most violated and post them, as you see other rules being violated, rotate the rules.
While I did write the workbook we would use, I did not write these rules - I do now know who did, but they are still a good tool to have and utilize. Over the years, I have tweaked the rules for either poor grammar or even to update them. I hope you find them helpful. Although this list is lengthy, I am sure it does not cover all of the fair fighting rules, but overall I believe it does fairly well.
I was talking with a family member recently who commented that she did not know how to argue with family - she said that she doesn't know how to take the emotion out of it. I told her a bit about these rules, and she was curious to see them. When re-learning how to argue, I try to make some points clear, to learn some of the techniques of arguing:
1. We will argue, and arguing is a good tool to develop better communication.
2. An argument should be approached with the plan to problem solve the situation.
3. Focus on yourself, what you are willing to change, what is bothering you and what your part is going to be in solving or coming up with a compromise in the situation.
4. Stay on focus - discuss only what the argument/disagreement is about - if you have to, write it on a sheet of paper, so that the both of you can stay on task.
I also suggest that if you want to make some improvement in your 'fair fighting skills,' that you look at the list and pick a couple of the rules you violate and then come up with like 3 ways you can work on the rule you have chosen. If you have a home that has a lot of arguing or work in an environment that has a lot of arguing - pick 10 rules that are most violated and post them, as you see other rules being violated, rotate the rules.
FAIR FIGHTING RULES
1. No threatening.
2. No name-calling or judgmental statements, such as ‘you are so stupid,’ ‘thoughtless,’ ‘you don’t even care,’ and so on.
3. Stay on the topic being discussed. Save other topics for other discussions. Focus on the specific behavior or situation.
4. No interrupting. Listen to the other person, allow for both of you to have a chance to speak.
5. Do not use words like ‘never’ or ‘always.’
6. Stay in the present tense – the past tense is usually used only to prove a point in order to “win.” Just because we acted a certain way in the past does not necessarily mean we will continue to ac this way now or in the future. Deal with the ‘here and now’ issues. What is in the past cannot be changed.
7. Do not argue in the dark – it is too easy to say things that are hurtful if we cannot see the other person.
8. Do not walk away or leave the house while you are in a discussion without the other person’s permission.
9. No finger pointing allowed – it can make the other person feel lectured to, or scolded.
10. Take responsibility for making a change.
11. Take responsibility for feeling the way you do, rather than saying “you make me feel…” Try saying, “I am mad,” instead. It is difficult enough to take responsibility for the messages you are sending (“I” language), rather than speaking for the other person (i.e. telling them what they are thinking or feeling.) Instead, say what you feel about specific behaviors (i.e. “I feel hurt when you tell me that I’m stupid. I would like you to not say such things.”)
12. If it seems an argument is developing, write down the topic or problem. This can help in staying focused on the topic. It will help to manage or control the process of resolving conflict if you can stay focused.
13. Over-dramatization is not helpful. This makes decisions appear to be ‘life or death issues,’ when in reality few decisions revolve around our existence or non-existence.
14. Each person has the right to collect their thoughts by taking the time to write them down. This can also be helpful in putting the situation into perspective and helping to identify the true problem.
15. Know what you are arguing about. What is the real issue, are both parties involved aware of the same topic being the focus? Is it big or little? Necessary or unnecessary? Is there a chance for resolution?
16. Approach an argument or discussion with a problem-solving attitude. The goal is to solve, come to an agreement, or change something. It should not be for the joy of fighting/arguing.
17. Do not say things that are so critical or attacking that they other person has no choice but to run away or retaliate.
18. Do not store up feelings and then “dump” the entire bag of resentments at once.
19. Be honest – yes, sometimes it hurts.
20. Check out assumptions. Just because you know each other well, do not assume that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling at any specific moment.
21. Do not argue in your email - just like the dark - it is to easy to say things that should not be said, could have been said differently or could be more hurtful. There is nothing wrong with setting up a problem solving session via email - but be fair if you know what the topic is going to be about - give the other person and idea of what you want to talk about (i.e. 'hey can we set up a time to talk about our argument, I want to see if we can't work something out that will seem fair to both of us.)
22. Who is right? Neither. Right or wrong invites and attitude of winning or losing, not difference in opinion or behaviors. Approach the discussion with an idea that both people will be satisfied with the discussion and even though it may not have the outcome they desired, they should be heard. All parties should feel like they benefited (the benefit may simply be that they were allowed to speak their peace) and no one should feel harmed.
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