The Rules for Fair Fighting

I am working with some families right now, who are having a lot of difficulty with how to fight. I had lost these rules until recently - I even needed them for an on-going argument that I was having with a friend and felt that maybe we needed to abide by some of the rules. When I worked in the hospital - this is one of the documents we would use to give to the client's to help with some problem solving techniques.

While I did write the workbook we would use, I did not write these rules - I do now know who did, but they are still a good tool to have and utilize. Over the years, I have tweaked the rules for either poor grammar or even to update them. I hope you find them helpful. Although this list is lengthy, I am sure it does not cover all of the fair fighting rules, but overall I believe it does fairly well.

I was talking with a family member recently who commented that she did not know how to argue with family - she said that she doesn't know how to take the emotion out of it. I told her a bit about these rules, and she was curious to see them. When re-learning how to argue, I try to make some points clear, to learn some of the techniques of arguing:

1. We will argue, and arguing is a good tool to develop better communication.
2. An argument should be approached with the plan to problem solve the situation.
3. Focus on yourself, what you are willing to change, what is bothering you and what your part is going to be in solving or coming up with a compromise in the situation.
4. Stay on focus - discuss only what the argument/disagreement is about - if you have to, write it on a sheet of paper, so that the both of you can stay on task.

I also suggest that if you want to make some improvement in your 'fair fighting skills,' that you look at the list and pick a couple of the rules you violate and then come up with like 3 ways you can work on the rule you have chosen. If you have a home that has a lot of arguing or work in an environment that has a lot of arguing - pick 10 rules that are most violated and post them, as you see other rules being violated, rotate the rules.

FAIR FIGHTING RULES

1. No threatening.

2. No name-calling or judgmental statements, such as ‘you are so stupid,’ ‘thoughtless,’ ‘you don’t even care,’ and so on.

3. Stay on the topic being discussed. Save other topics for other discussions. Focus on the specific behavior or situation.

4. No interrupting. Listen to the other person, allow for both of you to have a chance to speak.

5. Do not use words like ‘never’ or ‘always.’

6. Stay in the present tense – the past tense is usually used only to prove a point in order to “win.” Just because we acted a certain way in the past does not necessarily mean we will continue to ac this way now or in the future. Deal with the ‘here and now’ issues. What is in the past cannot be changed.

7. Do not argue in the dark – it is too easy to say things that are hurtful if we cannot see the other person.

8. Do not walk away or leave the house while you are in a discussion without the other person’s permission.

9. No finger pointing allowed – it can make the other person feel lectured to, or scolded.

10. Take responsibility for making a change.

11. Take responsibility for feeling the way you do, rather than saying “you make me feel…” Try saying, “I am mad,” instead. It is difficult enough to take responsibility for the messages you are sending (“I” language), rather than speaking for the other person (i.e. telling them what they are thinking or feeling.) Instead, say what you feel about specific behaviors (i.e. “I feel hurt when you tell me that I’m stupid. I would like you to not say such things.”)

12. If it seems an argument is developing, write down the topic or problem. This can help in staying focused on the topic. It will help to manage or control the process of resolving conflict if you can stay focused.

13. Over-dramatization is not helpful. This makes decisions appear to be ‘life or death issues,’ when in reality few decisions revolve around our existence or non-existence.

14. Each person has the right to collect their thoughts by taking the time to write them down. This can also be helpful in putting the situation into perspective and helping to identify the true problem.

15. Know what you are arguing about. What is the real issue, are both parties involved aware of the same topic being the focus? Is it big or little? Necessary or unnecessary? Is there a chance for resolution?

16. Approach an argument or discussion with a problem-solving attitude. The goal is to solve, come to an agreement, or change something. It should not be for the joy of fighting/arguing.

17. Do not say things that are so critical or attacking that they other person has no choice but to run away or retaliate.

18. Do not store up feelings and then “dump” the entire bag of resentments at once.

19. Be honest – yes, sometimes it hurts.

20. Check out assumptions. Just because you know each other well, do not assume that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling at any specific moment.

21. Do not argue in your email - just like the dark - it is to easy to say things that should not be said, could have been said differently or could be more hurtful. There is nothing wrong with setting up a problem solving session via email - but be fair if you know what the topic is going to be about - give the other person and idea of what you want to talk about (i.e. 'hey can we set up a time to talk about our argument, I want to see if we can't work something out that will seem fair to both of us.)

22. Who is right? Neither. Right or wrong invites and attitude of winning or losing, not difference in opinion or behaviors. Approach the discussion with an idea that both people will be satisfied with the discussion and even though it may not have the outcome they desired, they should be heard. All parties should feel like they benefited (the benefit may simply be that they were allowed to speak their peace) and no one should feel harmed.