I didn't realize it had been so long since I have posted on this blog - I am a little embarrassed about it, but here goes. This blog will kind of feed into another one that I wrote earlier about following directions, in fact it might even repeat, but I believe it bears repeating.
I teach what I call '3 Steps to Compliance' to reprogram children to follow directions.
Step 1 - Give the direction and wait to see if they comply (usually no more than a minute). If they do not comply, move to step 2.
Step 2 - Simply state, "That was a direction." Make eye contact with them and walk away (again allowing only about a minute.) If still no compliance, move to step 3.
Step 3 - Simply state - "What was the direction I gave you?" When they repeat it, praise them for listening and a simple encouragement 'oh good, you did hear it, move along and follow my direction.' Should be enough. Honestly, most of the families that I have had put this into practice, never have to move onto step 3.
The families I have worked with who have put this into practice, cannot believe how easy it is. I explain in changing the way that directions are being given, they are in a sense, reprogramming their children. Children in this day and age (especially those who do not seem to follow directions when asked) are not really listening - they are listening to when Mom yells or when Dad's voice tone changes or even when a parent threatens a consequence. Then they know their parents mean business. It doesn't have to be that way.
Try it - 3 Steps to Compliance, it works.
Showing posts with label follow through. Show all posts
Showing posts with label follow through. Show all posts
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, August 25, 2006
To Consequence Or Not To Consequence
It would be nice if there were classes that are more geared for parenting as we get closer to the age of parenting. I am sure some of the reasons that these classes do not exist until we are actually parents is for the fact that many of us would go back to our parents and say, ‘you did this wrong, that wrong,’ and ‘I won’t listen to you talk to me like this anymore.’
However, as parents we have to discipline. I know everyone has their own way of doing things, and whether or not you believe a little swat now and then is alright or not, is a personal choice. I believe. I honestly prefer time-outs – see the blog on time outs for more guidance there. However, there will come the time that time-outs or a swat on the bottom is not enough and there has to be an extension of the time out.
One of the first things to remember is that you do not have to make the decision for the consequence right at the time you correct them. As a parent you have a right and a responsibility to think about the consequence and make sure you are calm enough to be giving a consequence. Again this goes to the benefit of time-outs. Also you might need to discuss the consequence with your co-parent. So much damage to credibility and trust occurs when one parent gives a consequence and the other parent talks them out of it or overrides it. Take your time – if your co-parent is not home, simply let the child know. I have to talk this over with – whomever when they get home tonight and we will let you know your consequence then.
The next thing that would be very important is to make the consequence reasonable, fair and related consequences. Basically, make the time fit the crime. A child that scribbles on the wall – cleaning the wall plus another is a fair and related consequence. A child that writes in a book, could do some chores to pay for a new copy of the book – do not increase their allowance if they are getting one, or it would also be fair to make that child write every word on the book that they scribbled on – if it is a picture book, they could copy all the words in the book. Obviously this has to be a child of writing age – younger than that, a time out should be sufficient and educating them on the books they can and cannot color in.
Sometimes it is hard coming up with a consequence that seems fair or related to the behavior or action being addressed. These can be tough, but one of the things to remember is the importance of not giving a consequence that you can’t follow all the way through. Last year I had a brother who was having trouble with one of his children at school and interacting with other kids, he tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and opportunities to be honest. As a consequence, if he found out she was not being honest (in addition to be the behaviors that were a concern), he stated he would take away her Christmas. He told me later that he wished he hadn’t done that – it was harder on him and his wife than it would have been on the child.
I stressed that we cannot make decisions on consequences without considering what we willing to implement. If you do not follow through with a consequence that is stated, there is a credibility that is lost that allows the child to think, ‘I won’t really get in trouble if I do it again.’ I think my recommendation at the time was to allow her to open her presents with the understanding that they were going into storage and she would need to earn them back, item by item. But then I also stressed that they could not be used again as a consequence – once she earned the item, she would get to keep it and they would need to consequence her as they would at different points in the year when they didn’t have gifts to use as motivation.
I explained they would need a clear plan for earning back the items – she had been on a checklist before and they could do it on a plan of earning 75% of her checks could earn her an item back and after 4 weeks of earning 75% they could move it to two items for another month, etc. until she earned all of her gifts back. I am not sure what they decided to do, but it was a hard lesson for them on follow through.
Follow through is key on consequences as well as rewards. Above when I talked about a child whose behaviors are poor in school and poor social skills, I recognize that it is hard to come up with fair consequences. We are past the point of a bite for a bite, as well as we recognize that while we cannot force a child with poor social skills to interact with others, and we also cannot keep him/her out of social situations. That would be more detrimental – how could social skills be learned. So what do you do?
That is when a reward chart or something like that becomes more necessary. Praise the positives you see, little rewards that can be made into big deals. You get to pick tonight’s dinner or dessert, stickers, a sticker chart to show the good days – start out by a reward for every 10 stickers – don’t make them have to be 10 stickers in a row but 10 stickers, make a party of it, even if it’s just in the family. Shower the child with praise for the good days, share disappointment for the bad, use time-outs if you have to, but make this more a focus on the positives and less of a focus on the negatives. Coach them, ‘let’s see if you can do better tomorrow.’ ‘What are some of the bad choices you made today? What could you have done differently? What will you do tomorrow?’ These are the teaching questions we asking in helping a child to recognize what he/she has done wrong and how they can handle the situation differently.
Consequences happen, need to be implemented and ideally will be teaching tools for parents. Remember, think about the consequence before stating what it will be – there is nothing wrong with saying, ‘I’m thinking about taking away you’re Christmas, that is how angry I am with you right now, but I want to think about the consequence before I tell you what it is.’ That still allows the child to know that you are greatly disappointed, but does not set you up to have to implement a consequence that you wish you didn’t have to follow through with. Because remember, follow through is just as important as giving a consequence. On a final note, not all poor choices or behaviors require a consequence, sometimes a time out is enough and sometimes it should be an opportunity to coach your child to make different decisions.
However, as parents we have to discipline. I know everyone has their own way of doing things, and whether or not you believe a little swat now and then is alright or not, is a personal choice. I believe. I honestly prefer time-outs – see the blog on time outs for more guidance there. However, there will come the time that time-outs or a swat on the bottom is not enough and there has to be an extension of the time out.
One of the first things to remember is that you do not have to make the decision for the consequence right at the time you correct them. As a parent you have a right and a responsibility to think about the consequence and make sure you are calm enough to be giving a consequence. Again this goes to the benefit of time-outs. Also you might need to discuss the consequence with your co-parent. So much damage to credibility and trust occurs when one parent gives a consequence and the other parent talks them out of it or overrides it. Take your time – if your co-parent is not home, simply let the child know. I have to talk this over with – whomever when they get home tonight and we will let you know your consequence then.
The next thing that would be very important is to make the consequence reasonable, fair and related consequences. Basically, make the time fit the crime. A child that scribbles on the wall – cleaning the wall plus another is a fair and related consequence. A child that writes in a book, could do some chores to pay for a new copy of the book – do not increase their allowance if they are getting one, or it would also be fair to make that child write every word on the book that they scribbled on – if it is a picture book, they could copy all the words in the book. Obviously this has to be a child of writing age – younger than that, a time out should be sufficient and educating them on the books they can and cannot color in.
Sometimes it is hard coming up with a consequence that seems fair or related to the behavior or action being addressed. These can be tough, but one of the things to remember is the importance of not giving a consequence that you can’t follow all the way through. Last year I had a brother who was having trouble with one of his children at school and interacting with other kids, he tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and opportunities to be honest. As a consequence, if he found out she was not being honest (in addition to be the behaviors that were a concern), he stated he would take away her Christmas. He told me later that he wished he hadn’t done that – it was harder on him and his wife than it would have been on the child.
I stressed that we cannot make decisions on consequences without considering what we willing to implement. If you do not follow through with a consequence that is stated, there is a credibility that is lost that allows the child to think, ‘I won’t really get in trouble if I do it again.’ I think my recommendation at the time was to allow her to open her presents with the understanding that they were going into storage and she would need to earn them back, item by item. But then I also stressed that they could not be used again as a consequence – once she earned the item, she would get to keep it and they would need to consequence her as they would at different points in the year when they didn’t have gifts to use as motivation.
I explained they would need a clear plan for earning back the items – she had been on a checklist before and they could do it on a plan of earning 75% of her checks could earn her an item back and after 4 weeks of earning 75% they could move it to two items for another month, etc. until she earned all of her gifts back. I am not sure what they decided to do, but it was a hard lesson for them on follow through.
Follow through is key on consequences as well as rewards. Above when I talked about a child whose behaviors are poor in school and poor social skills, I recognize that it is hard to come up with fair consequences. We are past the point of a bite for a bite, as well as we recognize that while we cannot force a child with poor social skills to interact with others, and we also cannot keep him/her out of social situations. That would be more detrimental – how could social skills be learned. So what do you do?
That is when a reward chart or something like that becomes more necessary. Praise the positives you see, little rewards that can be made into big deals. You get to pick tonight’s dinner or dessert, stickers, a sticker chart to show the good days – start out by a reward for every 10 stickers – don’t make them have to be 10 stickers in a row but 10 stickers, make a party of it, even if it’s just in the family. Shower the child with praise for the good days, share disappointment for the bad, use time-outs if you have to, but make this more a focus on the positives and less of a focus on the negatives. Coach them, ‘let’s see if you can do better tomorrow.’ ‘What are some of the bad choices you made today? What could you have done differently? What will you do tomorrow?’ These are the teaching questions we asking in helping a child to recognize what he/she has done wrong and how they can handle the situation differently.
Consequences happen, need to be implemented and ideally will be teaching tools for parents. Remember, think about the consequence before stating what it will be – there is nothing wrong with saying, ‘I’m thinking about taking away you’re Christmas, that is how angry I am with you right now, but I want to think about the consequence before I tell you what it is.’ That still allows the child to know that you are greatly disappointed, but does not set you up to have to implement a consequence that you wish you didn’t have to follow through with. Because remember, follow through is just as important as giving a consequence. On a final note, not all poor choices or behaviors require a consequence, sometimes a time out is enough and sometimes it should be an opportunity to coach your child to make different decisions.
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