I didn't realize it had been so long since I have posted on this blog - I am a little embarrassed about it, but here goes. This blog will kind of feed into another one that I wrote earlier about following directions, in fact it might even repeat, but I believe it bears repeating.
I teach what I call '3 Steps to Compliance' to reprogram children to follow directions.
Step 1 - Give the direction and wait to see if they comply (usually no more than a minute). If they do not comply, move to step 2.
Step 2 - Simply state, "That was a direction." Make eye contact with them and walk away (again allowing only about a minute.) If still no compliance, move to step 3.
Step 3 - Simply state - "What was the direction I gave you?" When they repeat it, praise them for listening and a simple encouragement 'oh good, you did hear it, move along and follow my direction.' Should be enough. Honestly, most of the families that I have had put this into practice, never have to move onto step 3.
The families I have worked with who have put this into practice, cannot believe how easy it is. I explain in changing the way that directions are being given, they are in a sense, reprogramming their children. Children in this day and age (especially those who do not seem to follow directions when asked) are not really listening - they are listening to when Mom yells or when Dad's voice tone changes or even when a parent threatens a consequence. Then they know their parents mean business. It doesn't have to be that way.
Try it - 3 Steps to Compliance, it works.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Rewards/Chore Jar
The idea behind the chores/reward jar is more of an objective option when choosing consequences or rewards. I usually recommend using colors to separate the different options – often this is especially helpful if you have significantly different ages in the house. When the children are of similar ages, you simply have one less color in the jar. For example, similar ages – 3 colors:
1. Yellow – simple, short term consequences that pull them away from the situation and make them realize that they made a bad choice (one way to look at it is that they are grounded until the chore is completed). So if you are looking at a 2-5 minute time-out this would be the color you would chose.
2. Green – more detailed chore – this would take between 15-30 minutes. Often these are the more detailed chores. You don’t necessarily want to have the details expected on the card, but for the detailed chores you can have that listed on a 3x5 card either right in the room or in an index box that you go and get the card.
3. Blue – Reward cards, they do not have to be extremely detailed or expensive. These include things like a 15 minute 1:1 card game with Dad, 10 minutes extra on the game console, ½ hour later bedtime.
When identifying the rewards and consequences, I try to be very specific a make it something that can be completed immediately. For example, you would not want to stick a card that says 1 hour later bedtime on the weekend and have them draw that one Monday – this would not work if on Saturday they have lost all their privileges and can not use the card. The consequences we issue are often immediate, it’s ideal when the rewards can also be immediate. Now, if that is an option you want to do, you can have some reward cards that are added specifically for the weekend.
Sometimes when I am dealing with a child who has some ‘control issues,’ I allow for that to an extent. For example, if a child has earned a consequence, I will allow them to pick 3 of the yellow slips and they have 1 minute to make a decision on which they will completed. If it is one of the green cards, I will only allow for them to pick 2 and then again they only have 1 minute to make a decision. At the end of the minute, I get to chose from the ones they pulled from the jar.
As with all children (and adults) no one likes consequences/chores – if they need to go to their room for a time out, I allow for that, but I will usually set a time limit on the time out. I tell them when their time is up and explain that they need to come out and start their chore. If needed I can move from a yellow to a green card for their lack of compliance and I do so by saying, ‘that’s fine, you don’t have to do that chore, but you will now need to move to the green cards and pick one, because you already had a choice, you only get to chose one green and that is the chore you will need to complete. I am going to give you one minute to start the chore you picked or we move to picking a green one.
When using the chore/reward jar, these are not chores that are for allowances – this is simply another way of looking at consequences. When making up the jar, it’s a good idea to have the children come up with some of the rewards and consequences – do it as a team effort.
I have recommended this to families for years - I have described it and basically set it up for them. I have my first family who is actually putting it into practice - the parents and the children love it. I told that that at first you want to 'go heavy' on the rewards - make the family buy into it, and they have done just that. One of the things that I believe it helps with - is that children know when there consequence is over, there is a relief in knowing that you are not going to be 'in trouble forever' and getting it done. The dad tells me that they really do respond well to having that bit of power also (picking two or three and getting that minute or two to chose). Give it a try, it works.
1. Yellow – simple, short term consequences that pull them away from the situation and make them realize that they made a bad choice (one way to look at it is that they are grounded until the chore is completed). So if you are looking at a 2-5 minute time-out this would be the color you would chose.
2. Green – more detailed chore – this would take between 15-30 minutes. Often these are the more detailed chores. You don’t necessarily want to have the details expected on the card, but for the detailed chores you can have that listed on a 3x5 card either right in the room or in an index box that you go and get the card.
3. Blue – Reward cards, they do not have to be extremely detailed or expensive. These include things like a 15 minute 1:1 card game with Dad, 10 minutes extra on the game console, ½ hour later bedtime.
When identifying the rewards and consequences, I try to be very specific a make it something that can be completed immediately. For example, you would not want to stick a card that says 1 hour later bedtime on the weekend and have them draw that one Monday – this would not work if on Saturday they have lost all their privileges and can not use the card. The consequences we issue are often immediate, it’s ideal when the rewards can also be immediate. Now, if that is an option you want to do, you can have some reward cards that are added specifically for the weekend.
Sometimes when I am dealing with a child who has some ‘control issues,’ I allow for that to an extent. For example, if a child has earned a consequence, I will allow them to pick 3 of the yellow slips and they have 1 minute to make a decision on which they will completed. If it is one of the green cards, I will only allow for them to pick 2 and then again they only have 1 minute to make a decision. At the end of the minute, I get to chose from the ones they pulled from the jar.
As with all children (and adults) no one likes consequences/chores – if they need to go to their room for a time out, I allow for that, but I will usually set a time limit on the time out. I tell them when their time is up and explain that they need to come out and start their chore. If needed I can move from a yellow to a green card for their lack of compliance and I do so by saying, ‘that’s fine, you don’t have to do that chore, but you will now need to move to the green cards and pick one, because you already had a choice, you only get to chose one green and that is the chore you will need to complete. I am going to give you one minute to start the chore you picked or we move to picking a green one.
When using the chore/reward jar, these are not chores that are for allowances – this is simply another way of looking at consequences. When making up the jar, it’s a good idea to have the children come up with some of the rewards and consequences – do it as a team effort.
I have recommended this to families for years - I have described it and basically set it up for them. I have my first family who is actually putting it into practice - the parents and the children love it. I told that that at first you want to 'go heavy' on the rewards - make the family buy into it, and they have done just that. One of the things that I believe it helps with - is that children know when there consequence is over, there is a relief in knowing that you are not going to be 'in trouble forever' and getting it done. The dad tells me that they really do respond well to having that bit of power also (picking two or three and getting that minute or two to chose). Give it a try, it works.
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